Frustrations mounting, breakdowns approaching

This whole thing is pretty intense. Lesson plans due... then more lesson plans due... I know I said I'd try for three times a week. Three times a month seems more likely now.

The most frustrating thing is that I feel like I'm not getting anywhere in terms of the fall, even though I'm sure some of the things I do now will relate to my fall stuff. But I feel like this is taking away from my fall prep time rather than adding to it. I'd like to be able to see more fourth grade classes, read about what to do with fourth graders, and study the curriculum more than writing all these lesson plans for first graders.

I feel like the goal is very nonexistent or vague. I think I already covered how some points are rather unattainable in English due to the language issue. Well, my class is disorderly--I don't know how much of this is my fault and how much of it can be chalked up to (1) language barriers, (2) summer school vs. regular school, (3) the transition from one teacher to another, and (4) having three different teachers as opposed to one. I will admit that I'm not the best first grade teacher. I still don't understand them.

This evening, we had a very moving session on diversity. My only real complaint with the session was that it is very difficult to spare the time given the amount of work they are putting on us. That said, I was very moved by people's experiences and opinions. I feel like despite what I may have done, I am an odd one out, and one of the "low achievers" here, though I have no idea how accurate that impression is.

Today was a rough day for me personally. I'm behind on my plans--as plenty of people are, I believe, although my CMA is being easy on me, I will admit. I will also admit that the notes of "poor professionalism" carry some merit. To explain further, I avoid confrontation. Overly avoid confrontation. To the point where I don't like to discuss if I'm not going to get something done, but prefer to let assumptions be made, which hurts me severely in the end. It's something I need to deal with and, by the end of institute, I assume that I'll have advanced my skills in this area out of necessity, if nothing else.

I'm teaching literacy, which I still feel I know almost nothing about, and today was a nightmare with getting students to stay on task. I guess I "learned a lot," but I feel greatly underprepared and undertrained for this, and the time is much greater (I was teaching for 2:40 straight this morning).

To add to this, I got another flat tire today (to add to the one I got last month before leaving home). It seems to me as though this is a coincidence and it appears at first glance that the issue was just a large chunk of something piercing the tire, but I can't say for sure and now I'm rather paranoid about the tire pressure--I don't even remember what the tire pressure is supposed to be. On the plus side, thanks to that experience a month ago, I was able to change the tire out myself. And it looks like I'll have to buy new tires anyway since I don't have a spare anymore, so I guess who cares about the tire pressure? ...

Less than three weeks to go before it's over, I move into an apartment and I can concentrate on the fall, but it seems like a lifetime. I just hope that I survive it...

Apologies if the proofing in this is inadequate. My time is also inadequate.

Where is literacy?

Well, the weekend has been a very welcome opportunity to get some rest... but unfortunately now comes the part where I have to do stuff, since tomorrow I am teaching an actual class.

So I have a lot of institute complaints so far. I am not sure how close we will get to having them addressed, but I really, really feel like what I need to know (literacy especially in a second language - 2L) is not being addressed, and we are talking way too much about lesson planning and classroom management and such. Meanwhile, we are supposed to motivate everything by a goal, but there is no real goal for the summer, because there is no way our bilingual students can learn the English-language objectives that have been set for them. We will probably have to alter the final assessment so that they can meet it--and that's exactly what we don't want to do (not to mention can't do during an actual year).

You would think TFA would realize that the people here are pretty good at organization and don't need that much more training in, for instance, a five-step lesson plan. Yes, I need practice, but I don't need to talk about it forever. What I need to talk about is how to help kids read who don't know how to read as well as they should... and for all the rhetoric about how literacy is the keystone of education, at least in the test materials, I have no idea how to help anyone read. We did, however, have a motivating meeting on Friday where we were told about our competition to have a new cheer for our elementary school summer corps and a competition to rename all the TFA materials.

Meanwhile I'm getting really excited about the fall and my bilingual fourth graders (it's been confirmed). I'm hoping to visit the elementary this week and I'm reviewing the curriculum, hoping that I passed the TExES. We were required to take a test called the THEA yesterday, which was a joke and kind of an insult. The saddest thing about it is that it actually means something vis-a-vis high school graduates. A typical question would be something like this:

(1) x = 5. What is x?
a) 4
b) 7
c) 5
d) 8

Or perhaps:

(2) The White House is the official residence of the President of the United States. ____. It was burned by the British during the war of 1812 and rebuilt afterwards.
What sentence should go in the blank?
a) I don't like that President Bush and his Iraq war.
b) Golly, it seems like there have been so many presidents!
c) Building began after the Revolution and was completed in 1800.
d) It would be awesome to live in such a big house, wouldn't it?

[With, of course, the caveat that anyone selecting option "a" would be failed automatically].

The interesting thing about fourth grade is that it is Texas history year... so looks like I will be learning some curriculum along with my students after all!

And I haven't even taught yet...

Wow. What a week... everyone's definitely already pretty frayed but we're hanging in there. Sort of. I still am suspicious that Lord of the Flies will break out anytime.

We start teaching summer school on Monday. For me, that means first grade bilingual, and it means that I'm supposed to teach a bunch of English-language objectives with a class of whom half don't speak any English. Interesting. It's a three-person team exercise, and at least I am bilingual and the other two understand some Spanish, better than the kindergarten team in my group, only one of whom speaks any Spanish. We don't understand why they asked us to teach objectives to these kids in English; it doesn't make any sense for them. It might be good for them to hear the English, but their ability to meet the assigned standards is probably questionable at best. (Not, of course, that I doubt my ability to get them to meet those standards; that would be a TFA sin).

Other things here... everything is really inconsistent as far as assignments go, it was a mess of paperwork until today when our CMA made us a summary of what we're responsible for. We've been doing things in a order that seems haphazard and it seems like we started actual planning really late and had a ton of things dumped into our laps. If they're organized enough to get all this set up, can't they be organized enough to better explain our timeline and responsibilities? And the joke in all this, it seems, is the kids, especially since (as previously mentioned) we're doing bilingual with some people who are less than that, and using strategies that seem more suited to a regular school year than to a summer session.

My fall placement is now up in the air. I thought I was going to be doing fourth grade bilingual, which is older kids and mostly in English; but the placement form I got today says second bilingual, younger (obviously) and mostly in Spanish. Huh. Of course, I'll be expected to accept the second-grade placement, since I am a flexible TFA corps member with no incoming abilities or preferences except a strong desire to close the achievement gap. I'll find out for sure shortly what the story is, and if I am indeed switching to second. The plus side is more Spanish-language experience for me... the minus is that the littler they are, the more foreign they are to me, and I was really hoping to get to work with fourth-graders. If I complain, what will happen? Maybe I'll get to go through the placement process again... but I'm already in a good school, so do I really want to take that chance? Or wait around without a job, and have to interview again in a month?

Finally, we saw the legendary Wendy Kopp on Monday night at our welcome. She delivered the same speech that she's undoubtedly delivered thousands of times--it's about the same as her quickly-written account of TFA's creation that I read after getting it at the regional info meeting. It was surprisingly dispassionate (and not without some "you know"s), although there were motivating speeches from others, including moving speeches from three alumni about the effects that they had on individual students.

Well, it's time to try to get my last classroom procedures done... so I will be back with everyone to report when I have the chance.

First days in Houston

My allergies have, unfortunately, not gone away in the wonderful City of Houston. A few other impressions of the city:

(1) It is extremely large. My home city could probably fit into it approximately 617 times.

(2) The lack of zoning laws has made for an interesting experience in many ways. There are run-down areas next to very nice neighborhoods. The spirit seems to be “if it decays, leave it,” and move on to a new place further out, since there’s plenty of space.

(3) Many drivers are insane. Today, I saw approximately five cars make a left turn on a red light when the oncoming lane got a green.

(4) Texas cops are all over, and reputedly mean.

(5) There’s a lot of nice architecture, but the city plan (or, of course, lack thereof) is awful.

(6) The roads are in a horrid condition. Downtown, the cross-streets differ in elevation by about a foot, making for a pretty bumpy ride. Others are just full of potholes or inconsistent paving.

Induction was a fun experience. I certainly got to meet a lot of very interesting people from all over the country; the Midwest and South-Central (i.e. Texas and vicinity) seem to be predominant. But there are all types here, something for every taste, as long as you have an interest in rectifying educational inequity.

The jest has begun about TFA lines, the phrases like “work relentlessly,” “execute effectively,” and so on from Teaching As Leadership. And they certainly do hammer it in. But it’s important stuff, and right now at least, I truly give credence to the effects that it can have on teaching. What is disappointing is the boring repetitiveness and unnecessary nature of the other things that we have done. Honestly, optional workshops might have been a better idea for this period of time, as well as actually getting out into the city more. The activities were slow, dragging and not particularly challenging.

And so now institute has begun. The first day was long. We don’t start teaching until next week, but I am already tired… my roommate likes to go to sleep rather early (can’t blame him), so I’m in a computer lab typing up this entry. On the bus around 6:45, workshops all day… without coffee, too. It tires one out. They have insinuated that they will collect the pre-institute work (which I had trouble doing due to my late graduation) tomorrow, so I’m also trying to get that done simultaneously to typing this entry. We’ll see how far I get. The reading is interesting, and I did most of what was asked, particularly on the car drive here; but the questions are really not necessary and this is a waste of my time.

The purpose of this blog

For those of you who don’t know, having graduated from college I have joined the Teach for America corps in Houston. This decision was in some ways very rushed, and in some ways very last-minute. I signed on the dotted line (so to speak, though it was an e-line) on May 1, the last day possible, and rushed off to Houston before I’d even graduated.

This blog exists to give my friends and family a picture of what I am doing down here, and what my thoughts are on the experiences I am having and what I am learning as a result. Other names are either changed or just dropped; this is not a gossip page, and I certainly don’t think there are other TFAers reading it, though I certainly don’t know for sure. I am trying to keep this focused to my thoughts and experiences, and away from other events that occur around me that don’t impact me directly. That is for another place and time.

I am trying to figure out security arrangements so that I can make this a private, passworded space, either here or at another address; but, for now, I have no time to do so. I have done this in a blog format, though, as the only other option was e-mail, and I did not want to fill up anyone’s box who would become frustrated about it. I also apologize in advance for perhaps not updating as often as I’d like; I will try for three times a week, or more, but time constraints may get in my way.

Thanks, and happy reading!