Frustrations mounting, breakdowns approaching

This whole thing is pretty intense. Lesson plans due... then more lesson plans due... I know I said I'd try for three times a week. Three times a month seems more likely now.

The most frustrating thing is that I feel like I'm not getting anywhere in terms of the fall, even though I'm sure some of the things I do now will relate to my fall stuff. But I feel like this is taking away from my fall prep time rather than adding to it. I'd like to be able to see more fourth grade classes, read about what to do with fourth graders, and study the curriculum more than writing all these lesson plans for first graders.

I feel like the goal is very nonexistent or vague. I think I already covered how some points are rather unattainable in English due to the language issue. Well, my class is disorderly--I don't know how much of this is my fault and how much of it can be chalked up to (1) language barriers, (2) summer school vs. regular school, (3) the transition from one teacher to another, and (4) having three different teachers as opposed to one. I will admit that I'm not the best first grade teacher. I still don't understand them.

This evening, we had a very moving session on diversity. My only real complaint with the session was that it is very difficult to spare the time given the amount of work they are putting on us. That said, I was very moved by people's experiences and opinions. I feel like despite what I may have done, I am an odd one out, and one of the "low achievers" here, though I have no idea how accurate that impression is.

Today was a rough day for me personally. I'm behind on my plans--as plenty of people are, I believe, although my CMA is being easy on me, I will admit. I will also admit that the notes of "poor professionalism" carry some merit. To explain further, I avoid confrontation. Overly avoid confrontation. To the point where I don't like to discuss if I'm not going to get something done, but prefer to let assumptions be made, which hurts me severely in the end. It's something I need to deal with and, by the end of institute, I assume that I'll have advanced my skills in this area out of necessity, if nothing else.

I'm teaching literacy, which I still feel I know almost nothing about, and today was a nightmare with getting students to stay on task. I guess I "learned a lot," but I feel greatly underprepared and undertrained for this, and the time is much greater (I was teaching for 2:40 straight this morning).

To add to this, I got another flat tire today (to add to the one I got last month before leaving home). It seems to me as though this is a coincidence and it appears at first glance that the issue was just a large chunk of something piercing the tire, but I can't say for sure and now I'm rather paranoid about the tire pressure--I don't even remember what the tire pressure is supposed to be. On the plus side, thanks to that experience a month ago, I was able to change the tire out myself. And it looks like I'll have to buy new tires anyway since I don't have a spare anymore, so I guess who cares about the tire pressure? ...

Less than three weeks to go before it's over, I move into an apartment and I can concentrate on the fall, but it seems like a lifetime. I just hope that I survive it...

Apologies if the proofing in this is inadequate. My time is also inadequate.